August 7, 2008

Bush Delights in Return to “The Land of Properly English”

Posted in Fake Korean News tagged , , , , at 10:01 pm by stephshimkooo

As President Bush concluded his visit to South Korea, he took a moment to reflect on his landmark 100th

President Lee demonstrates his new spelling system

Presidential journey abroad. “I was very happy to see our friend and ally, Lee Myun-Back, Myoung-Bark, uh, President Lee being so ambitious about the future of his country. And I am also a great supporter of his ‘make English spelling more easier’ campaign.”

“You see, I’ve always thought that English spelling was, awfully tough, for our, for our young people. It’s hard for the young Korean people too, and I’m glad to see some action being taken on that front.”

Korean Support for Israel

President Bush continued with his speech by emphasizing the similarities between the two countries, “I am especially happy to see their support for Israel, which is evidenced on the street and even on store signs.”

Bush followed by expressing his affinity for Korean food, “with a few exceptions that I just can’t seem to get

my head around. I like black beans, and I like foods with beans, like chili. I like chili. But I just don’t know how people can eat doo-doo.”

Bush later lamented that despite all the warm fuzzies he felt on the peninsula, he wasn’t happy with the way all those positive feelings came about. “However, I am disappointed to see that drugs are becoming more and more prevalent in the Korean cultural.” he said. “They even have things on the restaurant menus. I just, well, I don’t agree with that. It’s not something that I, that I can agree with.

Bush worries about drug proliferation

When asked about anti-American sentiment, Bush responded positively, saying “Just when I came in here, my guide pointed out a sign that said ‘No, Americans allowed!’ I mean, they even point out how welcome we are in their homes and businesses, in case people were thinking they might not be welcome around here. This is truly a great country of freedom and democracy.” He concluded, “Sometimes I find the Korean people more understandabler than people in America sometimes,”


July 19, 2008

Local Vacationer Chronicles Foreigner Migratory Patterns

Posted in Fake Korean News tagged , , , at 2:46 pm by stephshimkooo

Goodbye friends, until we meet in the next!

Goodbye friends, until we meet in the next!

Park Dong-han had never been so astounded in all his life. Everywhere he looked, there were foreigners. Mud-covered foreigners. Park knew that he was going to see some at the Boryeong Mud Festival, but the sheer numbers of these wide bottomed, red skinned people was just overwhelming. Being an assertive second-year sociology student at a local university, Park decided to make contact with these English-speaking people to learn more about their culture.

He then realized that he had just been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to learn about the rituals and customs of foreigners in Korea. “I’d read about this kind of things in books when I was in school,” he said,I had no idea all this has been happening right under our noses!” Park then describes their routine in detail, “First, they consume as much alcohol as they can without losing consciousness, starting as soon as they wake up. After that, they go and cover themselves with the mud, play in the ocean, and cover themselves in mud again. Then they eat pizza and choco-pies until dark. Then, after the sun has set and when the alcohol level is correct, they mate and fall asleep. Oh, and sometimes throw up.”

“They said that they would call me to be friends the next morning, but there were no messages at my hotel room. I went to their hotel to offer them some well-being vitamin drinks, but the man at the desk said that they were already gone. I can only assume that they’ve gone off into the ocean to die. I’ll have to remind everyone to make sure to cut the straps on those six-pack containers.”

July 2, 2008

American Consulate Offers South Korean Protestors “Some Cheese to go with their Whine”

Posted in Fake Korean News tagged , , , , at 2:36 am by stephshimkooo

Showing Support for US Dairy Products

As Beef Protests in South Korea simmer down, officers from the American Consulate in Seoul are trying to bury the hatchet by offering American dairy products to South Korean protesters.

“Sharing food is an important part of Korean culture,” says Kim Su-jin, “Protesting is hard work, so we were sure they would be hungry. Since we’ve seen protesters in close contact with other dairy products, we thought it would be nice to offer them a little cheese, especially since they need some to counter their disproportionate amount of whining. It’s important to maintain good nutrition.”

No word yet on what kind of cheese would be distributed, but rumor is that much of it would be melted onto bread and tomato sauce in a traditional Korean dish called “Pi-cha.” Officials plan to partake in the meal with protest leaders. They hope that this gesture of goodwill results in further calming of tempers, as well as an increase in trust regarding US agriculture. “It is from cows, but it’s not beef, showing once again that American cows are diverse and have much to offer.”

April 14, 2008

Esse to Introduce New Kimchi Filtered Cigarettes

Posted in Fake Korean News tagged , , , at 2:30 pm by stephshimkooo

For ages it seems, Koreans alone have known about the health benefits of eating kimchi: vitamins, minerals, good for well-being, and cancer prevention. It was only a matter of time before somebody applied these benefits to cigarettes. Song Min-gi, who runs a convenience store near the Kimchi Museum, spent years watching people walk out of the museum, buy cigarettes from him, and talk about the wonders of kimchi. Finally, the idea to combine the two hit him like an angry ajumma.

Executives at Esse quickly ran with the idea after Song presented the idea a few months ago. “They’re great! My wife used to nag me about how I smelled like smoke and soju when I came home.” Notes Song, “Now, she sniffs around and tells me to make sure the door on the kimchi fridge is closed.”

“Our customers don’t have to quit smoking because the kimchi in the filter will prevent all those toxins from getting into their lungs.” Lee Jong-Oh, a representative for Esse, says. “Not only does the kimchi filter block all those cancer-causing toxins, it gives you that kimchi-y, fresh from the sam kyeop sal restaurant feeling.”

Kimchi filtered cigarettes are now the engine of growth for Esse. We’ve seen sales increas at a remarkable rate,” Continues Lee. “It’s up 100% from a year ago before we carried the product. We expect this product to really increase our market share, and we’re very excited about it. Fighting Esse!

First Korean Astronaunt Releases Get-Rich-Quick Book

Posted in Fake Korean News tagged , , at 2:00 pm by stephshimkooo

South Korea’s first astronaut, Yi-So-yeon, released a how-to manual on how to become a wealthy Queen of Commercials this week. “Some people said that I took the easy way out to get lots of commercials,” she says. “Sure, getting one of the world’s most advanced educations was the route everyone would take, but really, I was just too lazy to get up and put on fishnets and high heels.”

In it, she outlines these simple steps that everyone can use to become rich and famous in 29 easy years:

  1. Start majoring in mechanics in your teens
  2. Earn a Doctorate in Biotech Systems
  3. Don’t steal secrets from the Russians
  4. Have a personality
  5. Become a woman

Tentative plans for a So-yeon action figure were called to a halt earlier this week, after manufacturers decided that the accessories, a stack of books, a bill for a Doctoral level education, and a space shuttle, would add too much to the cost. There was also heated debate about her unconventional use of a “thumbs up” instead of the usual two-fingered “V” usually sported by Koreans when having their photo taken. In another setback, her clothing line has recently been nixed since So-yeon expressed concerns about “the practicality of miniskirts in zero gravity.” Despite these setbacks, So-yeon remains optimistic about her future earning potential.